The Baptism and Crucifixion of the Lost Anchovy (Part I)
By the Lost Anchovy
Chovie: “Dear Father, forgive for I have sinned. Too many days have past since my last confession. I feel that my sins are finally catching up with me. It has been over a month since I have landed a halibut and I feel god has turned his back on me.”
Priest: “ Tell me your sins and it shall be absolved. God loves all his children. While you’re at it, slip under some of those halibut fillets I know you got. God loves you. I love halibut. Repent your halibut and receive gods love.”
Chovie: “Father, I have your fillets, but forgive me” Chovie speaking softy and humbly, “but this sounds like extortion.”
Priest: “God doesn’t extort my little anchovy. God made the fish for man to eat. I am a man and I openly receive god’s bounty and love. You are a fish, and was created to be fried, sautéed, steamed, but you are also a special chovie that god loves so he has spared you. Speak against god’s will and become fish sauce.”
Chovie: “I apologize father.”
Priest: “That is ok my little Chovie. Hand over the fillets, repent your sins, and get baptized on the surf line to be reborn again.”
(Kayak Crucifixion at Leffingwell)
The Kayak Baptism or worst it’s bigger brother the Kayak Crucifixion is well known to all veteran kayak angler. It is a right of passage and the vestige of noobism that must be washed away before the seasoned angler is born. The ocean is a sensual lover for those who know and can sooth her temper, and executioner of those who underestimate her fury. Her bounties are limitless to the adventurous and courageous.
The most productive fishing spots are found in the remote locations accessible only to the brave, prepared and equipped. For Kayak anglers this means spearing through sheering and thundering surflines– risking dejection and humiliation for a shot to make it to the promise land; The land of the voracious lingcod, huge reds and forty lb stringers. It’s real. You’ve seen it, the photos online and on the angler magazines. Make it through the surf and it’s yours –GLORY!!
Glory pushes you forward. Fear deranges the mind while the addiction ruptures the soul. One pushes. One Pulls. You check your gut, question your determination, close your eyes–make the leap of faith.
And EAT SHIT.
(Kayak Baptism at Big Sur)
The the massive “sneeker wave” breaks your bow and sends your kayak hurling back while its brother wave– you know the one right behind; the one you didn’t see smashes you again. Your gear floats on the surf line. Your kayak turtles from being flipped, and that tourist record your ordeal on his iphone, ready to post to youtube and facebook for a few clicks and likes.
In the far distance your friends hurl incomprehensive instructions and warnings while your heart races from the adrenaline pumping through your veins that widen your eyes. You hear it, it’s coming– another wave. The salt water blurs your vision but in the haze you see enough to collect your kayak and gear, and retreat to the safety of the shore, away from breakers, which mysteriously has suddenly become calm and serene. Dejected and humiliated you take a breath and realize for the first time — you’ve just been Baptized.
Chovie: “Father, I thought you said I was going to be baptized? Why are we at the ocean? Aren’t baptisms done at the church? I sent initiations to my family and friends to be at the church this afternoon.”
Priest: “ My little Chovie this is a “Special Baptism” reserved for people who have sinned against the lord and those who question his messenger. You must repent your sins and cross the surf to embrace his love. Face the fears in your heart and find love on the other side or fail and feel god’s wrath ”
(15 ft swells crash the breakers. The jagged rocks are stained with the blood of dead seals trying to make it to the safety of the beach. The seagulls hoover in the sky awaiting the impending meal.)
Chovie: “ Father, why are you reading my last rights, and why are the grave diggers measuring me?”
Priest: “We must always be prepared for the unexpected. We cannot seek to understand the Lords will. When the lord calls us home, we must be ready.”
Chovie: “Oh…I understand. This looks very dangerous tho.”
Priest: “ God does not send us where he does not protect us my little Chovie. Now make it through the surf line and bring me my fillets as penitence to god!”
(The Lost Anchovy rushes the surf line)…”I LOVE YOU LORD!!”
BAPTISED
(Part II -Know thy self and don’t get dunked!!)
The Baptism and Crucifixion of the Lost Anchovy (Part II)
Chovie: “ I can’t make it past the surf father. It’s just too big. I broke all my fishing poles. My kayak has a hole from being slammed against the rocks, and I think I see the dorsal fin of great white outside the surf line…I don’t think it’s safe father. “
Priest: “ Look chovie. I want my fillets. God demands sacrifices from us all. To be reborn takes faith. When the lord puts 10 ft swells –Go through them. He puts sharks –eat them. He puts rocks- break them. Here is some duct tape for the hole, patch it up and get out.”, (Priest looking a noticeably agitated and irritated)
Chovie: “ok!” [Chovie looks for the lull in the sets and pushes his way through the surfline]
Chovie: “I made it father!!”, he yells with excitement from the top of his voice. GWS circles the chovies kayak. [Jaws theme song plays in the background]
Baptisms are part of kayak fishing, but it doesn’t need to be this way. Surfers know the peculiarities of swells and await them, looking to ride the longest and biggest wave. Kayakers would be smart to tap into this knowledge—The successful ones do.
Here are a few tips to make it though the surf and survive.
Surf Launching Tips
- Waves break in sets. There will be periods of large waves and smaller waves. (The peaks and the lulls.)
- WAIT out the large sets because patience is your best friend. The smaller sets will come and the window will present itself. Being impatient with shore breaks will surely lead to a baptism.
- For God sakes…Don’t sit on the kayak and try to paddle out in the sand while waiting for surf to provide enough water to paddle. This will surely get you turtled. To be successful it is important to attack the waves head on.
- When on the kayak, KEEP PADDLING NO MATTER WHAT, even if there is a massive wave about to break, paddle through the wave, dig into the water and push through the wave. A moment of paralyzed fear is all it takes to get flipped on the surf line and garage sale.
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Surf Landing Tips
- The same rules apply with being patient. It is best to wait out the big sets and find the lulls. Wait behind the surf line and count the sets until the window of opportunity arrives.
- Store all the important belongings under deck. (Break apart reels, put away tackle, put away: Fish Finders, Rod holders etc…) This is a pessimistic view. Expect to be dumped and plan for it.
- Ride the wave in. Wait for a small forming wave to emerge and paddle ahead of it. The wave will catch up and surf into the beach. Use the paddles as a rudder to keep the kayak straight. Jump out the minute the waves recede and grab the nose of the yak and rush it in.
- Whatever isn’t tided down is GONE. Expect it.
- If the nose of the Kayak digs into the sand, and the back lifts, lean back and it will correct itself enough to avoid a crucifixion…Maybe, this is a last ditch effort strategy.
READ THIS: NEVER EVER EVER EVER STAY IN FRONT OF THE KAYAK IN THE SURF ZONE. Stand to the side of the Kayak. The enormous power of the surf will send it directly into you –Imagine it for one second. Here are the results 1) Shattering shins 2)Getting knocked out cold. 3)Broken bones and internal damage. 4) possible Death –It’s no Joke.
Many new kayak anglers fear the surf, and rightly so. Without the knowledge the unknowns of the Surf line is potentially dangerous. With the knowledge, patience and practice the surf line can be conquered like most things. The most productive fishing holes tend to be remote, and produce for good reason—Because ONLY crazy people launch through dangerous surf conditions to get to them. Either way, I’ve been called crazy on multiple occasions but a 40 lb fish stringer of fish usually strokes my ego pretty good. Tight lines and hoping you don’t find god on the surf line. –The Lost Anchovy.